me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
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I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned