“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
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How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel