I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
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[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.