[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
You Might Also Like
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.