Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
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Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
I forgot how to panic. Help
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera