PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
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Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.