Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
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I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy