[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
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Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate