“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
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I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.