[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
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I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
#merica
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”