[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
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French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Scream sneezers need love too.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else