Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
You Might Also Like
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Has science gone too far?
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Breaking news:
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.