“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
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“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Real House Wines.