Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
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Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Not all heroes wear capes.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.