[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
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Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
cat faces on other animals, a thread
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face