I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
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Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.