To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
You Might Also Like
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Interior design 👌
*serious situation*
My brain:
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES