M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
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HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.