flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
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24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
new shirt idea
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here