just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
You Might Also Like
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
My first child will be named New Folder.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.