imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
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I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Genius idea!!
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.