I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
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Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.