me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
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If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.