make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
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Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth