I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
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The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
what the