Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
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My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.