U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
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Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?