NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
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People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.