Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
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Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
they finally got him. they got macavity
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours