Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
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You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
✌🏽
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?