*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
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Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.