Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
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Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.