I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
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Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
this is funnier than any friends episode
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.