In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
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at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.