Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
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My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter