My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
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Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
The future is now.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.