A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
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stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Europe. Made in Germany.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
My boss called in sick of me
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.