My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
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Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation