iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
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No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys