Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
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“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.