Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
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United Steaks of America
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me