Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
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Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”