Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
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If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
everyone’s a critic
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded