trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
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The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
LA today:
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better