Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
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the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.