Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
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I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.