having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
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*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
I love the honesty
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!