Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
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Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Worth remembering.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?