2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
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feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
nature’s most graceful animal
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.