Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
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My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.